The Field Guide to the Customers of Starbucks

Beatiful Love (Take 2) - Bill Evans

(Note: This is a rewriting of one of my very old blog posts)

Quick, answer me. Can you recommend a place for social gathering? 

Starbucks? Ha, I thought so. 

Indeed, having conversations in a coffee shop is a great way to spend time with your friends, but have you ever gone there alone? Try it, it's fun! As long as there are many other customers, you can observe them until you forget the passing of time. 

At first, you'll find that classifying Starbucks's customers can be difficult. All of them (okay, most of them) talk loudly, act like an idiot and dress as though they're either going to a red carpet or going commando. Fear not, because with experience, you can discern their varieties. Based on my unscientific but entirely self-sufficient, sexy, and insulting-but-accurate findings, I have written this guide hoping to assist you in seeing the differences among the species (multiplying) in the land of Starbucks. 

The Techie

Identification. The Techie thinks Starbucks is an expo. You can spot one with a smart phone, iPhone, PSP, MacBook, Cybershot, iPod, and car-key-for-an-SUV scattered on the table. The Techie will not only display personal belongings, but also, with excellent voice modulation, announce them. You have to give The Techie credits though; at least The Techie is doing favors for the customers in case they go blind. I mean, hearing The Techie advertise personal belongings as if writing checklists, that is IMPORTANT! Do you agree (Y/N)?

Sample speech. “Look, my iPhone is slick!”, “My Cybershot is slick!”, “My iPod is slick!”, “My SUV is slick!”… 

The Yuppie 

Identification. With optimistic plans, The Yuppie (different to lowercased yuppie, who is simply a peripatetic person wearing impractical [and smelly] attires) believes in living the multimillionaire life by, first, APPEARING like it. And what better place to “live the dream” by going to Starbucks and pretending it’s an office? The Yuppie often have their head (heads?) huddled at the laptop, with spreadsheets or Powerpoints open, to give a heady impression of being a busy and ambitious “career person”. EDIT: Curiously, The Yuppies are more of the be-seen-working types than the hardworking types.

Sample speech. “I’d like to direct your attention to my impactful presentation for cost-benefit plan that will reimburse your invested finances due to incentivized research conducted by opportune income of…” 

The Writer

Identification. Don’t shoot me I am NOT a writer! And I don’t bring laptops to Starbucks. The Writer (again, different to the lowercased one, who is simply a Bohemian who hugs a tattered dictionary when sleeping), on the other hand, does not only have a laptop handy, but also “writes” in the Starbucks just to impress a crowd, hoping a few attractive patrons will notice, as though writing is a performance arts. Do not classify those who scribble in their notepads as The Writer. In the word of The Writer “extraordinaire” Tim Yap, notepads are passé! 

Sample speech work. Waspy McWasp, the ruggedly handsome, world renowned Harvard professor of Oceanography is summoned to Europe to analyze the mysterious murder of a famous computer programmer. While there, he discovers evidence of the unimaginable - the definitive and substantial proof of cold fusion. He must work with Lara, the extremely beautiful and intelligent police detective, in order to beat the clock and unlock the mystery. (source) 

The Traveler 

Identification. I’ve never seen this myself, but my friend spotted The Traveler numerous times. The Traveler will go on an expedition, with the approximate distance of Zulu to Maguindanao, just for a sip at Starbucks. In my friend’s case, she saw a Traveler dash out of St. Paul QC to Tomas Morato’s Starbucks during an hour of lunch break. 

Apparently a species that are either extinct, or have “exported” to other groups from this guide, since Starbucks are now everywhere. 

Sample speech. None, as I’ve never been around them. 

Frapsters

Identification. Ever drank plain, no-cream, no-sugar and no-cocoa coffee? Yes? So do you think they’re too dark and bitter? Yes again? I have news for you then: that, which we call the blended coffee, is what coffee is really meant to taste like, same way as real tea is not served with sugar. 

Starbucks has a predominantly frappucino-sipping crowd, as though the coffee shop is instead a halo-halo salon. Granted, blended coffee is an acquired taste, and I’m not suggesting that you must try it. But you know who cracks me up? Frapsters. Frapsters are different in that they say they LOVE coffee but only choose to drink Frappucino, i.e. coffee with added milk, crushed ice and too-much calories. They’re annoying in the same way as *those people who say they listen to classical music because they like Maksim* are. 

The following can replace the asterisked statement. Self-proclaimed jazz fans who only listen to Kenny G. Batman haters who only saw the Adam West shows. Miles Davis name-dropper who has never heard of the Kind of Blue album. Holier-than-thou Bible-thumpers who actually live in avarice. 

Frap-touters

Identification. Could anything be more irritating than that Frapster-whippersnapper who can’t shut up about ordering frappes? Frap-touter is the frapster-demigod who treats Frappucino like it’s a trophy, such that frap-touter will take pictures holding or drinking frappes. Said person would even bring home empty frappe cups (along with Starbucks amenities and flyers) like it’s a trophy. 

Sample speech. “Picture tayo! Picture tayo! Smile!” (spoken to the frappucino cup)

The Beauty Pageant

Identification. Don’t trouble yourself wondering whether The Beauty Pageant (TBP) has won or not. What matters is that TBP NEEDS to go to Starbucks all-dressed up and to take pictures there to frame the occasion. I hear some TBP’s say coffee tastes better with gowns and tuxedos. Maybe that’s what they call “coffee dressings”.

Sample speech. Oy, priorities! You should be looking at them instead of listening to them, because whatever they mutter are unintelligible white noises.

Coffeetariats

Identification. Most likely nurses. Or call center workers. Or underpaid programmers (yeouch!). Like the no-frills proletariats, Coffeetariats are those who sell labors to survive. Unlike the no-frills proletariats, Coffeetariats spends more of their daily wages in Starbucks than in their lunch, and they do it (semi-)regularly as though they’re under rituals.

Sample speech. “Once minutes, my frappe are coming!” and so and so. If you hear anyone trying to talk Yankee but ends up sounding bucolic, you’re hearing a Coffeetariat. 

The Linguist

Identification. A coffetariat’s “worse enemy”, The Linguist is the schoolmarm “elitist” who nitpicks the grammar of every Starbucks conversation. The Linguist is a self-proclaimed “renowned grammarian” who likes to insert “French du jour”, but mostly speak in an amalgam of English and Tagalog, preferably with the English word overstressed.

Sample speech. (Google “Tim Yap” or “Malu Fernandez”).

The Ladykillaz!

Identification. Oh yay, TEH CONV3N14NC3, I can finally use pronouns LOLZ! As you may have surmised, The Ladykillaz is a guy who writes for a men’s magazine (or a guy under the pretense of it). He tries to attract attractive crowds by engaging in “intelligent” conversations about erogenous areas, posing as a stimulant of intellect when he’s in reality stimulating something else. And if he manages to impress, expect the girls he is with, and promptly dumped the next morning, to be “samples” for his new write-up at FHM or UNO or a blog. Thank you girls for being credulous, for the Ladykillaz’s thrive! Viva sophistication, viva progress!

Sample speech. (Err, I’m trying to make my blog not-NSFW.)

Dudes

Identification. This is the inevitable and over-modulated dudespare guys who wear the “jacket without a cause” (can someone please tell me what practical reasons are there for wearing jackets in this country?). It’s not like Starbucks has frigid ventilations (quite the opposite) yet these dudes come with jacket + sunglasses + hiphop DJ gesticulations in an attempt to look cool. Meanwhile they try upping their “street cred” by shout-bragging their blingblings, cribs, rides and girls and their updated FHM knowledges to sound urban (read: gangsta). He’d also try to appear intelligent by engaging in some “controversial” Dan Brown discussion, quoting Paolo Coelho for added touch and citing (just citing) Pablo Neruda for the “deathblow”. The good thing about dudes is that he’ll update you about car shows. The bad thing is that, well, good luck finding peace and quiet when he’s around. Diba, Vandolph?

My speech to them. Yo homey, watchoo doin hollerin LOUD? We be seeking quiet in dis ere coffee shops, punks, coz we ain’t got chillax, and warz in da streets, nawmean? Dis why you gotta pacify, dawg, coz we ain’t gone flyt with no posers, y’hear! Peace out, bro, riprizent!