GMA TV Ads-Mockery UPDATED

Of course the previous post - the Kris Aquino shampoo ad — inspired this one. My brother, who has a degree in advertising, is quite fond of nitpicking TV commercials. And, well, it's a very contagious habit. 

I've been meaning to do this for a long time, but unfortunately only those who are familiar with advertisements that play on GMA TV will be able to understand just what in the piddling dandruff I'm going to blabber about. I tried to find videos of their ads in youtube, but they don't exist. Crap. I'll try my best to describe the ads, but if you're unfamiliar, then I advise you to turn on your TV and tune in to GMA while reading this entry.

So to begin…

Clear Shampoo

The Product: The shampoo has probably been around elsewhere for quite some time, but Unilever Philippines has only recently been publicizing it. Maybe it's new here then. Apart from being very fragrant, I don't know what sets it apart from the rest. My brother likes it though, so we have stocks. But, eh, I haven't had many dandruff since last year so I don't know if this shampoo is really effective.

The Ads:

• The first Clear Men ad: Bloody generic. A "credible" dermatologist claims that scalps of men and women are different and that the macho-er gender is more prone to dandruff. And that's why Clear has been developed to effectively eradicate dandruff from Men's hair using chemical formulas only chemists who are watching TV instead of working on some laboratories will see and understand. To see if this works (oooh the suspense!), the shampoo is tested. Oh, and cue the fancy pants violin music while some fancy pants camera rotate on some fancy pants guy holding his hair up to show his fancy pants scalp. Mr. Fancy Pants goes on to query "Can your shampoo do this" in the most fancy-pant baritone voice I've ever heard (with matching fancy pants facial expression). Bleh.
• The new Clear Men ad: Stars none other than the Korean singer Rain. What happens is that he basically dances and talks and dances and talks while wearing tight outfits and doing zazzy poses. The most infuriating part is the end where he announces that his name is Rain. Why thank you, you avant-garde bastard! I hope I can go back in time to tell Steven Seagal that he should say he's Steven Seagal after he's found gold in the Philippines. Also, no, your name isn't Rain. You're Jung Ji-hoon, and you're basically just taking a page from Final Fantasy's rosters of sulky effeminate protagonists with meteorological names, like Cloud, Squall, Tidus and Thunder. 

Head and Shoulders Shampoo

The Product: pretty effective, actually. My scalp pretty much got cleaned of dandruff when I used it last year. I hate how it smells though. It smells like a pungent mix of vitamins and dentist antiseptic.

The Ads:

• Post-first-Clear-Men ad: this begins with a trademark "yearbook-look" guy (who has a white man's blood, obviously. Why would they choose any other kinds?) waking up and getting dressed. And then he patronizes, "Dermatologists don't recommend based on what's best for men or for women". No, it has nothing to do with Clear Men, I swear. And then he adds "Nasa galing yan mag-tanggal ng Dandruff" before proceeding to give shampoo-jargons nobody cares about. Oh yeah? Well, here's something for your arrogant ass: Ad-scriptwriters don't recommend based on who's best for screen or for semen; nasa pagka-kano yan ng nagpapatalastas! I hate commercials that operate on the "basta kano, bebenta" modus operandi.
• The most recent Angel Locsin ad: I said the most recent because H&S uses Angel Locsin a lot. What happens here is that she wants to show off her dandruff-free hair by resting her head on the guy beside her. They clearly enjoyed the moment to the point that they've forgotten they've already reached the bus's end destination. Quite boring, really, except I can't help wondering why they weren't bothered by some ticket-inspection dude.

Rejoice Shampoo

The product: Oh I don't know about it. I haven't used one for a very long time.

The ad: I'll only mention one. Their latest is a continuation of a pseudo-telenovela story where a rich master is jealous of her beautiful slave. What happens in the latest is that there is, apparently, a prom going on. This katulong comes out while her hairpin conveniently falls and her hair unties, demonstrating that her hair is silky smooth. The prom prince notices. Meanwhile, the rich master gripes, "Paano siya naka-afford mag-rebond!" Well duh, Rejoice doesn't pick their models from where they actually pick domestic helpers, you know. They pick their models from, I dunno, La Salle? Ateneo? Benilde?!

Ariel Detergent

The product: Word is that it's good. I am not so sure, since I usually just toss my clothes on the washing machine, throw some random detergent that happens to be around, and let automation do its job.

The ad: Obnoxious, because the endorser is Vilma Santos, who's supposed to be governing a city instead of, you know, ACTING ON TV. Otherwise it's a generic labandera ad where the advertised product outdoes Brand X (poor Brand X). The most loathsome part comes when it shows Vilma Santos delivering a campaign speech where she asserts "Ngayon ang panahon ng pagbabago!" So this is the pagbabago you're talking about - that we now can use powdered soap instead of using the good-old bar? Very nice, although I thought you're talking about improving your city. Oh, and that flyover from your city has been under-construction for more than half a decade already.

Asenso Ad

The product: It's not a product.

The ad: A very delusional (and much maligned) political propaganda attempting to remind us that the lives of Philippines have become better. What happens is that a bunch of people from the rural part of the nation testify that their lives have improved.

I believe none of it. The place where they film this ad are so, well, rural, that whatever happens they're still going to have a pretty unchanging life anyway. That's already a contradiction. The people who recorded this ad (which I assume are from the government because they're the only dolts who'd think of doing this ad) obviously paid the folks from the rural areas with an okay life. They wouldn't choose a place where there isn't any electricity, or in another place where the school is a single-room house that doubles as a dentist office. In case you're wondering, my brother's been at both places. Another newsflash: those homes beside the Pasig River didn't evolve from squatter to studio apartment, did they? Oh, and need I remind you of THE Pasig River?

Next time you're going to tell me that the country has improved, at least demonstrate through reality and not through public TV - the haven for half-truths, if even that much.

DOJ Ad

The product: I assume, breast-milk

The ad: Very condescending for the reason that it flat-out insults our intelligence. Get this: the ad tells you that pigs feed their baby with pig milk and dogs feed their baby with dog's milk, so why should we feed our baby with cow's milk. What's awesome about this ad is that it's not only very low-quality, it's also funded by our government (by Department of Justice, to be particular). Nice. Our tax money is wasted for this shtick.

You know what, let's create another version for this stupid ad! Ang kalabaw, para sa pagsasaka. Ang pusa, para sa pagtanggal ng daga sa bahay. Eh ang buwaya, para sa paglilingkod ng bayan?!

Update:

Joy Detergent

The product: Quite good, actually. Then again, I'm not sure if any dishwasher detergents are better than its competitors and if the cleaning does not indeed come from the quality of the sponge used.

The ad: Is nothing special. It has anthropomorphic dish stains talking in that generic kengkoy voice before joy the detergent appears to wipe them permanently out of existence. Of course, the staple endorser Michael V starts talking about the detergent in his trademark corny-sounding chicken pitched voice. Besides Michael V's too-much-Kool-Aid mannerisms, I really don't know why people find him funny. That's all.