My Streams of Consciousness

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My Streams of Consciousness

January 2, 2008

My gibbest challenge in maintaining a blog is to post an entry AFTER a long vacation. Though I can say a lot about those days, I do not know how to express it in a way that does not sound either euphoric or languid to the point of boredom and inaccuracy.

Grammar polices might already bug me to correct at least one word in the previous paragraph. No, sorry, I do mean "gibbest" and not "biggest". Yes, I feel the most like a castrated cat when faced with the challenge of posting post-vacation entries. Does that make sense? I'm sure it doesn't.

So hello 2008. I came to the office today a tad earlier than usual. A new organizer sat atop my desk. It was left there by a girl I used to have a huge crush on (I was out of work the previous 2 weeks, so I didn't see her). To be more accurate, she's given it to everyone in the office, but I do hope, anyway, that she cares for me more. Hoping is not a very bad thing, unless when you're a New York Knicks fan.

Er, why are you giving me that look? You're surprised that as misanthropist as I could be, it's amazing that I could still adore someone? Shut up. So, about my ex-crush. Oh geez, I just mentioned that word. I loathe calling people ex-crushes because that implies my defeat, if not annihilation. It's true in this case. Oh what in the world am I saying, it's just the second day of the year and already I'm feeling blue. You ain't been blue, no, no, no... Er, no singing. It must not rain in spring.

("Nightdreamer, will you please be more focused?" That's harder than you think, folks.)

Why does she have to leave an organizer on my desk anyway? Such a painful reminder of her. I wanted to throw it away, but it looks very embarrassing to be emo in the office (I'm not sure if emo doesn't look embarrassing elsewhere). If she wants me to remember her, couldn't she just phone me and say, "I have something to give you let's meet up somewhere"? Yes I'd say yes in about yes the same number of times yes James Joyce said it yes in the last hundred pages yes of Ulysses yes. Yeah, me and my silly fantasies. So… thinking of this girl made me feel miserable. She was one of the unpleasant memories of 2007, which has otherwise been a good year for me. Normally, when disappointments like this happen, people go "let go and move on". I'm not doing that right away before reflecting on what went wrong, because there's a lesson here, kids. Now open your Aesop's Fable, I'm about to tell you about this foxy lady.

[Yucky pun]

We don't work in the same place but it was in a company vacation of early 2007 that we met. Or, rather, she met our company as she booked our excursion. She and I established rapports in those few vacation days and we hung with each other a lot. We inevitably had to leave and to go back to doing the bugger of a deed that pays you but consumes your soul. Work, in other words. To keep us in touch, we added each other in Friendster. The first week since, I tried to contact her so that I could thank her for giving me a wonderful time. That was all I was trying to do, but, bizarrely, she NEVER answered my call, or replied to my SMS's. She even deleted me from her friends list. Why? If I was being too persistent, I would understand. But I only tried to call her twice, SMS'ed her once, and messaged her in Friendster once. I even reviewed my messages to see if there was anything in them that offended her. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with "Thank you for giving me a great time in the past few days"?

I was disheartened. How could she be so cool with me during the vacation days, then turn into a Medusa-whose-stares-turn-people-not-to-stones-but-to-phantoms after that? This bothered me for a lot of months, because it's not the first time I've met such kind of person. And I'm certainly not the only person who's ever been "befriended" by those who do it only because I'm, for the time being, a convenient way to shake off boredom. At modern times, or maybe just in an adult's life, this happens a lot. Overnight friendships. One night stands. People do not even TRY to keep connected anymore. Why even bother creating a social link in the first place if you're not going to give some attention to the other? Were we even like that back when our lives weren't dominated by coffee shops and the technological marvels of communications? Do they actually bring people closer?

[Ask your philosophy teacher. But, perhaps, they wouldn't know. They're hermits.]

It just annoys me. Readers, treat those you meet more as human beings than as fireworks. None of us are ephemeral displays of fancy, exceptions being if you're Sean Kingston or Paris Hilton or other tabloid-whores (the verdict of what's so fanciful about them is still pending). The rest of us deserves attention more often.

Anyway, the organizers this certain girl had handed out landed on a certain forlorn guy. The organizer says "Patio Pacific" but it's formerly known as Pink Patio. When I was on Shanghai (QUIET! THIS IS RELATED, I SWEAR!) there was a Feng Shui professor who suggested that I should buy a Pink Pixiu (I didn't buy it, though). Pink Patio. Pink Pixiu. I'm starting to think that someone is out there doing a practical joke on me.

It was nice knowing this girl, and I had memories of her, but we only passed each other by like ships in the dark. She has embittered my vacation twice, but it's ok. This time, I will no longer allow myself to chronicle her as the last (and the most - it's so trite to say "last but not the least", that lasts are now somewhat assumed to be the most) thing about my vacation. I still have a lot of better things to say about my Christmas and New Year, before I move on. Now, if only my thoughts on those could become more coherent in the next few days.

At least writing about her wasn't that hard.

Not verbally, anyway.

Posted by nightdreamer at 10:11 am | permalink

Previous Comments

I wish I have an answer my friend. Put that organizer to good use and give it to someone else. Happy New Year and welcome back.

Posted by Schumey at January 3, 2008, 7:54 am

ah, that girl! reading this entry got me hooked on my seat. give her a bouquet of roses, and a thank you card for that thing she left you.

Posted by novz at January 3, 2008, 1:35 pm

Haha novz, I never knew you liked reading this kind of stuff.

Schumey, I seriously don’t know how to use this organizer without thinking of her, and I don’t know how to think of her without feeling lorn and depressed. Then again, I don’t want to throw it away. Sayang eh.

Posted by nightdreamer at January 3, 2008, 1:48 pm

thanks for sharing

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