Banality

I don’t know what’s happening to me. Last week I could still be awake at 2 AM without feeling a hint of drowse. But since three days ago, I’ve been sleeping early. Like, from 9 PM all the way to 6 AM. Having a day of long, uninterrupted sleep is fine with me. I’ll even concede that uninterrupted sleeps make me recharge. But with three straight days of that, I get irritated. I feel like I should, instead, spend two more hours doing more productive things, like, I dunno, surfing the net! Or playing videogames!

I don’t have the data, but I’m think most people of my generation dislike sleeping early. At least I can attest such claim whenever I look at my brother, who often retires later than 12. He usually draws, makes 3d arts or reads books until then. Maybe it’s not good for his health, and maybe he should stop drinking too many caffeinated drinks to keep him awake, but at least he does finish a lot of stuff. The only thing I have accomplished since 3 days ago is outline a report, which I really should make more elaborate. To make things worse, I’ve been waking up not on very high spirits since this week. It’s like waking up in the morning and dreading the predictability of life, and preferring the inanity and the lawlessness of dreams. I feel that way because of not having anything to look forward to.

So, few days after Holy Week vacation, I’m bored again. It’s not good to have nothing to look forward to during summer, because at least back when I was a student, summer was always the time for celebration, for relaxation, for going to beaches or for going to foreign lands. I’m two years out of school now and this is my third summer as someone who works, but it’s only this year when my summer has become so dull. There’s not a word of having a company outing. I won’t to see the girl I met in Bora last year. My sister’s not coming back from US (but since when has she come back since she left, 7 years ago?). I’m out of touch with some of my closer friends. I’ve been overspending on cheap thrills and not receiving any satisfaction. I’m having a reader’s block (err, it’s like writer’s block, except it’s more of losing the capability and the desire to read). The further "urbanizations" of my immediate surroundings have become blase.

I’m only 24, but fate seems determined to claw away all my youthful energies. I miss my passionate self! I miss waking up everyday with the "I’m ready to take the world by storm" swagger. Cliche and obnoxious all these successful people’s pep talks may be, there’s something about their optimism that I admire, that I do not have and that I feel envious about. I don’t feel that being passive while maintaining these bleak outlooks will do my sanity any good. I need a stimulant. I need activity, and not one that’s overfamiliar.

And you just read a blog post that goes nowhere. Durrr. If you feel that I may be an interesting person, now’s the perfect opportunity to start a conversation with me.