Mess About

I am getting annoyed! For the past two weeks, I have done nothing. Zero, that big fat oval bigger than the nothingness it signifies. Okay, so maybe I have done a few trifling chores, but I don’t think I’ve done deeds that contributes to the world’s greater good, or even just my own.

That means I have no new ramblings recorded, no new movies watched, no new books read, no new friends gained, and no new illustrations drawn. I’ve also become antisocial, and, mind you, I find that disturbing. Last Wednesday is an example of how withdrawn I’ve become. I had an umbrella then, and so I was protected from a turbulent storm. One person not quite as prepared as I was for the ugly weather approached me and sought my assistance - that is, asking if he could share a part of my umbrella. I acceded. He then started making small chats with me, but he was only met with my unenthusiastic “yeahs”. I didn’t even smile, or make eye contacts. Needless to say, he went away without giving or receiving business cards. Another example of my nasty reclusive ways happened last Monday, when I had a falling out with one of my long time friends. I don’t even want to go into details; all I can say is that it’s been a while since I last lost so much trust on someone I used to think as sincere.

I just don’t know what is happening to me and why I’m feeling haggard and dead. I look without really seeing or eat without really tasting, and when I go out with beautiful women, I don’t feel any magic (okay, I lied about that last part.) Oftentimes when my boredom has become unbearable to me, I would take a stroll to the mall, waste money on cheap thrills, and yet go home unsatisfied. At times I’ve wanted to be grumpy, but whenever I come close to that I just become really tired and sleepy. And speaking of sleepy, I yawned many times while typing this post. 

Am I being served with this epiphany, that my life is very boring that it’s making me fall asleep? 

Well, I can do one of two things to rid myself of this lack of motivation. First, is that I can dance whatever dances tribal people do when they hope to get the stars to align for them. It’s a good workout, and people will find the spectacle of unintelligible shouting and inconsequential chest-slapping quite impressive, if not sophisticated or cultural. Now that sounds like a fine idea, except the sight of me yelping and flailing is not something I’d like my readers – all three of them – to carry to their graves. 

Second, is that I can try to change myself and set goals for myself. Pressure myself into improving the things I do. I can try to make my writing better. I can try to draw more. I can review what I’ve been taught in my web design classes. If I have time left, maybe I can try to learn playing musical instruments. All I know is that I’m old enough to have a complete control to where my life is heading, and it is my responsibility alone to change my life in such a way that I’ll never have to experience another one of these dead moments again.

Which means, time to play videogames.