Yucky Web

There’s something I dislike about most of my recent entries, aside from them being all reviews of books and movies. Those, on their own, do not bother me that much, but what really gets me is how tame and positive I’ve become, that I sound like this gushing fanboy heaping gallons and gallons of praises on everything as though I were a zombie blogger paid to say that a movie/book is AWESOME. I get riled up about doing those enthusiastic praising because those seem to be the only thing I’ve been doing lately. I end up looking like an easily-pleased milquetoast.

But after watching Spider-man 3 for the first time two days ago (yes, I saw it that late) I have come to realize that the curmudgeon in me is still as alive and strong as it ever was. I can razz about it for hours and hours that I’m glad I didn’t watch it while dating someone, lest she had to endure hearing me bitch until she grew sick.

This is the worst Spider-man movie I’ve ever seen. I liked Spider-man 1 and I still consider the 2^nd movie, surpassing the 1^st, as one of the best comic book movies. The 2^nd film ended on such a rousing note that the very moment its credits rolled, I wanted to coerce Raimi into doing it a sequel right there and then. The 2 movies worked for me because despite being about someone with superhuman powers, they felt down-to-earth. Their characters did not merely worry about the plight that only those wearing leather spandexes worry about; they also had to deal with problems that any person deals with every day: high school, finances, trying to have a lucrative career, etc. It didn’t hurt that the fight scenes packed punches (har-har!) with kinetic intensity.

Without going into spoil-… ah, screw that, who hasn’t seen these movies anyway? If you haven’t and if spoilers bother you, then you may stop reading now and go do something productive like picking your nose and hoping your booger will get eaten by ants.

Spider-man 3 started with Peter Parker watching his costumed alter-ego’s popularity reach new heights. That looked promising, since a tale of someone coping with sudden fame can excel. I thought then that maybe this movie won’t be as bad as people bitch it; nevermind that there wasn’t much reason for Spider-man to suddenly be all over Manhattan (wasn’t his last heroic act – defeating Doc Ock – unseen by public?). Almost immediately came the first warning sign, and that couldn’t be more blatant when it’s with Kirsten Dunst belting out “They say that falling in love is wonderful… so wonderful, so they tell me…” like she had no respect for her audience’s hearing abilities. She would later sing in a jazz club for the elites. Who would wanna hear her sing jazz?

Scenes of the movie’s villains were occasionally done with some empathy, but they never reached the pathos seen from the fall of Green Goblin and Doctor Octopus. Part of the reason for that failure was that there were too many villains - Sandman, Green Goblin Jr, and Venom - but it’s the execution that bogged them down the most. Remember the feeling the dread of waiting for Green Goblin Sr. and Doc Ock to reach their breaking point? Bad news then, two of the three villains from Spider-man 3 had already reached their breaking point when they first appeared, and the remaining one, Venom, reached his breaking point in a very contrived manner (and given that there were many foes, you don’t see him developing a lot). So there’s no satisfaction to be had in witnessing how they became anarchical. In fairness, Harry Osborn was given enough depth in the first two movies. It was in his being Green Goblin Jr that was lackluster. Actually, everyone failed to be convincing villains. How? How about we compare them again with the two foes from the previous films? When Norman Osborn was already wearing the Green Goblin suit, he still had the pressure of acting like a responsible person to Harry Osborn, to Mary Jane Watson and to Peter Parker. Doc Ock turned bad because he would do everything to right his failed experiment, which cost him everything. Their dilemmas were what made them memorable villains. In Spider-man 3, two of the three villains were villains merely because they wanted to kick Spidey’s butt. Hence, they became one-dimensional. Sandman had his jaded past, a point that should make us understand that he was not evil, but merely wronged. That part was relegated in favor of seeing how Spidey wants to kill him for being the murderer of Uncle Ben. So what we get are three revenge plots.

Did having 3 characters swearing vengeances make the theme of revenge stronger? No. Having too much demeaned it, because given the limited length of a movie, what could be one revenge story got divided into compressed 3. The anger and the bloodlust of each never became too prominent.

The villains’ schemes were hilarious. They took turns being menaces! Goblin Jr. would just so happen to bump his head and have amnesia, so that he can be shoved aside for the time being and so that we can have time to see Sandman’s superpowers. And then when Sandman was presumed to be dead, Green Goblin Jr would regain his memory and annoy an irritable Spidey. After a scene where it looked like Goblin was killed by a bomb (in a more coherent movie, he would’ve died a long time ago; so what exactly is he, the liquid terminator?), which made him inactive again, Spidey would remove the black costume, actually an alien infesting his body, and the alien would fall down and turn Eddie Brock to Venom, who also just so happened to be at the church where Spidey was agonizing. Venom would then find Sandman. I had no idea how he found out where he was and how he knew he was alive since the Spidey wearing the alien suit thought otherwise. They then partnered and challenged Spidey by kidnapping Mary Jane Watson, a kidnap-bait seeing how it happened on 3 movies. Meanwhile Green Goblin Jr felt guilty for his sins and turned a hero after his butler had told him 2 movies too late that Goblin Sr. wasn’t killed by Spidey. Raise your hand if you don’t find all these so convenient.

I’m not done yet! Did you recall how the previews made a big deal about how Gwen Stacy was in this movie? Comic nerds will tell you that Gwen Stacy should’ve been the Mary Jane Watson of the first movie, and she should’ve been killed the moment Green Goblin dropped her. But whatever about that and her appearing two movies too late and how we should blame her absence for having MJ stayed in the series too long it’s sickening. She was in this movie to… do nothing but look cute. She was supposed to be Eddie Brock’s girlfriend too, but I didn’t recall ever seeing them being sweet to each other. I guess I never would. The moment Spidey bombed Venom I was like, “Yeah, go ahead and kill Venom so you won’t have to bother developing him the next movie!” Or maybe he’ll be magically resurrected in Spider-man 4?

As annoying of a nag MJ was, Peter Parker was most irritating. He no longer was the aww-shucks down-to-earth guy we rooted for. Here he became the Spiderjerk. I’m not even talking about the time when he donned a black costume and became a kind of Mister Hyde, which was supposed to un-pent his darker sides but I don’t remember his dark sides as being a philanderer nor as someone who likes to dance like a wacko (what a riot to watch, that one). He was a jerk from the beginning of the film. He let his popularity get way over his head, comforting MJ in all the wrong ways when she looked down. He kissed Gwen Stacy in front of MJ and when MJ complained he was like “Gwen is just a classmate! You know it’s you I love!” How does that work, moron?

I should probably not even start enumerating the plot holes at the risk of writing a novel, so I will mention just one (but a major one). Halfway in the movie, regaining his memory, Green Goblin Jr. ambushed MJ in her house, and the scene transitioned as we see him threatening MJ. The next scene MJ told Peter that she’s breaking up with him because she was seeing another guy. While she was going away, Goblin, revealing that the conversation was conspired, said good job to an angry MJ. Then Spidey, who didn’t know that Goblin regained memory, had lunch with Goblin where Goblin “confessed” that he was the man MJ was seeing. What happens next? Spidey ambushed Goblin in his mansion, saying he knows his schemes and his being Green Goblin again. I must’ve missed something, but how did Spidey know? And what did Goblin blackmail MJ with again?

But you know what, I’m gonna go ahead and say you should watch this film simply because I’ve never seen one as intentionally funny as this. If the plot holes, the hammy dialogues, the superficialities (parting hair downwards a sign of angst?!), and the singing and dancing did not crack you up, the scene where Spidey leaped across a CGI American flag would! Go get ‘em American tiger!

EDIT: I forgot the part about the fight scenes. Sandman’s and Goblin’s were good, but Venom’s sucked. The only thing that ever happened whenever Spidey was battling Venom was Spidey getting stuck with goo. Venom’s tongue never appeared.