Worst Movies of 2009

Happy New Year, readers! I hope it’s not yet too late to be writing posts about anything 2009-related. Yesterday I gave you 10 best movies of 2009, and since I believe in striking a balance, today comes my bottom 7.

So maybe that’s not a perfect balance, but I want to start this year on a more positive note. Besides, I managed to steer clear from watching more than 7 movies that I ended up hating. Unfortunately, that also means you’re not gonna hear me tear down some widely-derided movies like New Moon, 2012, Dragonball: Evolution, Ninja Assassin, Mall Cop, and Street Fighter Legend of Chun Li. Still, I hope this 7 pick will be a sufficient guide as what movies you should skip (if you and me are alike, that is), and if you did see them anyway, I hope my reading my opinions has entertained you anyhow.

7. GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

The best compliment that I could give to GI Joe Rise of Cobra is that it’s not as bad as the other movie based on Hasbro toys. Yet what killed it for me is the depressing going through the motions feel. True story: barring minor details like each character’s origins story, everything that took place in the movie I saw coming before I even saw the film. Sure, I did enjoy parts of it, but that was for all the wrong reason, unless you think that the director intends the viewers to root for the villains in a movie about “Real American Heroes” (and yeah, I’m aware that the movie doesn’t make explicit mention of it, but the Hasbro property is still based on that slogan). Also, for all the noises feminists make these days about videogames and comics being sexist, I’m shocked that this movie isn’t entering women-in-refrigerators debate given how poorly it treats its women characters.

6. Planet 51

I’ll get this out of the way: I take no pleasure in disliking Planet 51. I followed the development of the movie because I thought it had a great premise – man gets marooned in an alien planet that behaves exactly like humans. I supported it too because I wanted non-American animation studios to gain international recognition (not that I have anything against American animation studios). So, to be fair, Planet 51 has great animation, but the story is another thing entirely. I was annoyed at Monsters vs Aliens for going overboard with pop culture references, and yet it’s nothing compared to Planet 51, and at least it’s funny, which Planet 51 isn’t. Add stereotypical characters, and we get a movie that’s ultimately forgettable and often obnoxious.

5. Adventureland

I’m all for character-driven stories, and I like imaginative concepts. So I expected to like Adventureland because it promises to be both: how many movies are about life as amusement park workers anyway? What I got here instead is a pedestrian soap opera that might as well have taken place anywhere else. That wouldn’t be a huge issue if the characters were likable, but how could they be liked when all they do is shoot themselves on the foot? It’s critically acclaimed, and I have no idea why. I scoff at this notion that all it takes to make a good movie is to spice up a completely boring story by making the characters witty and self-deprecating. For the record, all the music references reek of trying too hard; I don’t believe that if one couldn’t properly develop a character, comparing tastes in music is going to make up for it.

4. Watchmen

I don’t see why I should prolong this since I have exhausted myself from talking about it last March. I’ll say this much though: Watchmen is the movie that got me exposed to how lazy comics-adaptation movie can be. I had my suspicions in the past, but this gave me the moment of clarity. Unlike movies based on novels, you do not require much imagination with the settings when the comics have already drew them out for you in details, so that’s half the hard-work gone, which is why I’m often turned off by them – I like hard work. Still, there are comics-adaptation movies that manage by telling a complete tale and not requiring viewers prior knowledge of the comics. By not giving a compelling reason for me to care about anyhting, Watchmen fails in storytelling, and since director Zack Snyder uses the comics as storyboard - the worst kind of laziness, if I may say – I dislike it even more. At this point, I am so done with movies based on comics. See you on Iron Man 2, right?

3. My Life In Ruins

Saw this in a 9-hour flight and let me tell you, without the speakers on, My Life In Ruins doesn’t look all that bad because at least I can pretend that it’s a travel guide of Greece, which is indeed a place for the gods. But then I tried to watch it for the story and yuck! It shouldn’t have turned out this way! The premise of the movie is pretty clever and is one that many of us can relate to, because we have been around tourists from hell, and what’s more amusing than seeing a tour guide trying to deal with them? Alas, it succumbed to the bad stereotypes, oversimplified solutions and Hallmarkian dialogues. At least Adventureland is about smart people being stupid; My Life In Ruins is about stupid being stupid.

2. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

I hate Bad Lieutenant for the exact reason that I hate Frank Miller’s stories: it’s just not enough that they take place in a corrupt world, we also have to be lambasted with awful scene-chomping dialogues from protagonists trying to sound tough and badass. It’s hopeless with Nicolas Cage. What used to be an actor whose acting-range gave us the sublime Adaptation and Leaving Las Vegas has now become a Youtube meme of “acting raged”. Here in Bad Lieutenant, Nic Cage does not disappoint the Internet by delivering golden lines like “what the f is this f iguana” and “if you ever so much see that girl again, you’re gonna wish you were born, without a dick!” Somehow this movie received an above 80% rating in Rottentomatoes. Do you even know what the hell you’re doing, movie critics? Do NOT encourage Nic Cage to yell and swear more!

1. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Just the thought of having to think about this movie again makes my head hurt. Putting aside the dumb as bricks superfluous elements like the awful comedy, it should’ve been so easy to make this movie a winner: all it needed is robots beating each other to pulps, and somehow this is too much to ask and instead we have to get a plodding “drama” about lousy humans? Where’s the fun in that? And when action kicks off (which takes forever), why can’t we see what’s going on, why can’t we tell those who’s fighting apart, and why do the fighters appear, disappear, die, and get revived for no reason at all? It’s not just bad acting and bad action, however. There’s also the racist stereotypes, the jingoism, the bombastic soundtrack, and the sexism all crammed into this massive package of suck, and don’t even get me started on the incoherent plot. Quite simply, Transformers 2 ranks among the worst movies of all time, and in a perfect world, Michael Bay should be banned from making another film. Teenage audiences will moan about it, but they’re just gonna flock to another bombastic CGI-overblown Hollywood blockbuster anyway.