Kung Fu Dunk Live Tweet Experience

I’m tempted to watch Jay Chou’s Kung Fu Dunk just to see if it’s as ridiculous (in a good way) as the title suggests

Also, Jay Chou and I have the same surname. You’ve just read a fact that you could not give a rat’s ass about. Thanks for reading.

I’m gonna live tweet Jay Chou’s Kung Fu Dunk. At the first 5 mins now and it already has 3 jokes that fell

Ooh slow mo already? It took Shaolin Soccer half an hour into the movie to use that gimmick. MORE IS MORE!

Stephen Chow’s character in Shaolin Soccer didn’t have to rely on some wish fulfillment scenarios, but Jay Chou has to?

I mean what the hell, every girl in Taiwan thinks Jay Chou is a stud, yet I’m supposed to be convinced that he’s a dweeb in this movie?

[the_nutbox responds: My name is J too but nobody thinks Im a stud. The world is so unfair! ]

I’m pretty sure no master in history has ever died from practicing kung fu stances in the snow.

Jay Chou’s acting is horrible. Like, there’s no heft in his enunciation, in a language that often sounds animated.

Oh so we’re supposed to think that a guy who can shoot coins straight into the mouth of a man is a basketball genius?

Btw just a disclaimer, my tweets for the next few minutes will contain major spoilers for Kung Fu Dunk

So look away if you’re someone who gets bothered by somebody spoiling a sports movie.

This is the kind of annoying strawberry generation pandering movie where the young people always have greater abilities than the elders.

Look, shooting bullseyes on dartboards doesn’t make one a better baller! Why not just call the movie “kung fu shooter”?

maybe nba teams should take cues from this movie and draft players by going to those shoddy bars with dart games in it

first fight scene kinda decent even if it looks like a gentrified suburban kid trying to flail his foot around

btw Stephen Chow’s surname is also the same as mine! Yet another fact no one cares about.

you know a movie is not doing it for you when its protagonist get beaten up, dramatic music plays, and your reaction is tweet about surnames

So Jay Chou guy gets to learn to play basketball by watching a powerpoint slideshow about its rules? THAT’S HOW JORDAN LEARNED TO PLAY TOO!

why do these movies make it so obvious who’s going to be the love interest by playing some romantic piano music when the girl first show?

Jay Chou is so stone faced, like Richard Gutierrez but Chinese. In Taiwanese I would call him “Jiu Tao Bin”. In Tagalog “Batong mukha”.

“Whoever gets the rebounds wins the game” yeah good job stealing lines from Slam Dunk, which is infinitely better than this trainwreck

Jay Chou can consistently shoot 3s from half court despite having never played before and having only practiced by shooting cans on bins.

Another plot stolen from Slam Dunk: the love interest being the younger sister of the team captain. Wow.

The dribblings from the obvious pop stars are so bad they would be called traveling, except when Lebron does it.

Why the hell does a jumpshot need a slowmo?

I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to drink wine while on bench. Hmm lemme ask ron artest to confirm this!

What the hell, the gym this team practices on look like those halls from taiwan’s famed computer expo. Maybe even its world trade center!

(looks at wikipedia and learns that it’s actually Shanghai’s Science Museum. Scrimmage in a science museum?!)

THIS IS SUBURBAN BASKETBALL, NOT THE REAL BASKETBALL WHERE PEOPLE FROM THE POOR HAVE TO TOUGH IT OUT

No joke, people in this movie can jump higher than those players from NBA Jam

A ball arching downward getting blocked was not called for goal tending and then it magically catapulted to the other hoop and went in.

The only comedic moment that managed to illicit a response from me came from a player making fun of Jay Chou’s gentrified upbringing.

First dunk Jay Chou does in game is a 3 point line dunk WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS!

the acting in this movie is so bad there are more awkward silences in it than there are dialogues

What the, there’s a team who wears american gladiators-like costume as basketbball jersey!

wow the opposing team flying kicked a baller and did not get called foul

i’m pretty sure you’re not permitted to wear metallic shoulder blades in a ball game

between the leg reverse layup ???

so the match is cancelled because the power was cut off, and will be resumed in 3 days. The score? 50 against 4. riiight.

how come everybody who’s into “illegal business” in this movie speaks cantonese? hk stereotype much?

another chinese movie trope: camera panning around the female actress when she’s crying

KFD’s idea for a pickup line: “i’ve always wanted to eat ice cream since i was a kid, but never had the chance. you’re like that ice cream”

ok i’ve stopped being entertained by how bad this movie is. it needs to end post haste.

what in the world, now some Qi bao wearing group shows up in a basketball game and plays?!

i’ve witness like 10 whole court pass alley oops already

some kung fu guy blocks a shot by sticking his body on the board!

why is no one in the movie indignant over how poorly officiated the game is?!

it makes home court games in Cleveland Cavaliers look like professional, balanced officiating!

an all out kung fu brawl in the court but no one in the audience was terrified for what happened. Malice in the Palace taught nothing

KFD is trying so hard to be Shaolin Soccer and even Kung Fu Hustle, and fails tremendously at either.

i give up. not watching this any longer.

(hours later)

So I’m gonna finish this crappy piece of crap movie “Kung Fu Dunk”. Live tweeting the remaining 10 minutes.

What an awful looking dunk. Toss the ball up while you’re at the peak of the jump, then catch it while you’re stationary airborne

WHY IS IT THAT THE MUSIC THAT PLAYS ON THAT BASKETBALL GAME HAS A GUY SINGING “TOFU TOFU TOFU”. HOW IS TOFU RELATED TO BASKETBALL?!

OH I GET IT I GUESS THAT MEANS VEGETARIANS WILL LEARN TO BALL LIKE PRO. I GUESS I STAND A CHANCE AFTER ALL!

3 pt line between the leg posterizing dunk my God this is so ridiculous

And why isn’t any one of these ballers sweating at all?!

OK so in final possession is the only time any players started working a sweat? In the last 2 sec?

Block the ball by punching it up below the hoop, and no one protests. Wow.

Step aside Christopher Reeves’ Superman, Jay Chou can reverse time by using kung fu moves, so that he can do the last possession again.

I mean sure, what Shaolin Soccer was missing was some sci fi time travel plot, right? THAT MAKES KUNG FU DUNK SO MUCH BETTER.

(Batrock responds: I didn’t much like Shaolin Soccer, myself. )

@Batrock I don’t either, but it’s “Hoop Dreams” in comparison to Kung Fu Dunk.

Time travel meant background became full of clouds & assorted objects like airplanes and evil faces. You got nothing on this 2001 Space Odd!

Next in Kung Fu Dunk 2: Jay Chou learns to use the fifth dimension and can tesser from hoops to hoops at will.

Not an ounce of this movie is genuine. It’s so crass and calculated and pandering.

Whole crowd cheered for the “villain team” when they won in d alt timeline, & did d same when d hero team won. Whose home is this anyway!

What the hell is with this abandoned son reunites with his guilt ridden rich dad scene? It’s so sappy and pointlessly sentimental

His mentor gets cast aside coz “real dad who abandoned you in bball court” loves you more than “wine expert involved in shady dealings”.

But then of course they get some teary reunion because Jay Chou eventually realizes who has been there for him all along.

You know people can’t tell if a scene is supposed to be sad or not unless you play violin in the background, of course.

Why is the theme song of this movie “please wear some qibao or else I’ll eat your tofu”? Isn’t “eat tofu” chinese slang for “eating skin”?

Charlene Choi in KFD looks uncomfortably close to one girl I dated and parted with much bitterness.

What is the point of stealing Slam Dunk’s “whoever gets the rebound wins the game” when the people in KFD don’t rebound, like, ever?

KFD is terrible and those who want to see it because it’s a Jay Chou’s product are better off diving into his mansion’s sewage.